Tonight I shot for the stars,
And missed.
Leaving myself stranded in the depths of space,
Unable to return to where I was before.
The comfort of lies,
The burden of limits,
Were left on Earth behind me,
Leaving the profound realism of consequence to shape my new route.
The light from the stars passing by,
Allows me to flick the ashes from the rest of my existence.
To shed the faults of the life I left behind,
And leave them with the galaxy that is becoming smaller and smaller in my view.
I count the drags between missed opportunities,
Bad decisions,
And various particles of deep space debris,
While I wait to pass through the pillars of creation.
Eyes pried open to take in the golden edges and deep shadows
Of a mirage where everything is perfect.
An oasis in the endless desert of black.
But like the star I sought after,
Perfection will exclude me,
And I will be left longing.
Staring through a pane of glass.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Hey there!
Well, this was a lovely poem. Very nice. It's one of those poems where there's actually some sort of unique style coming through which is cool.
You seem to like long lines! Very long lines. Now, this isn't always much of a problem but occasionally long lines like that make the reader stumble, and also give off much more of a prose feeling rather than a poetic one.
One thing I would say (again on the length) is that some of the words you put in are redundant and unnecessary. For instance:
Could easily just be:
'Allows me to flick the ashes from to rest of me existence,
to shed the faults of the life I left behind.'
It flows better and doesn't have anything unnecessary in it. So I'd go through your poem and watch out for lines like that.
But this was beautiful! Really nice!
Hope I helped.
~Amy
I don't think you should have the comma after shadows in that part. It's a bit nitpicky, but it's a little confusing if you're like me and notices punctuation quickly. Not a big deal, but still.
Aside from that, it's great! The ending made me grin and cry, a very good and very different reaction I get from a lot of pieces.
*Thumbs up*
Thank you for reading. I really liked your interpretation
. Punctuation in poetry has been something I've been needing to get a little better at.
I was drawn to this poem because of the interesting title. Nice job with it!
Your poem is quite beautiful. You created vivid imagery and used delicate words.
The punctuation makes the poem a little difficult to follow. I'd reconsider some of the commas and periods—mainly omit the unnecessary ones because they take away from the flow of the words.
I interpreted the poem as a man's realization that he could not achieve his dream during his lifetime. As he drifts closer and closer to death, he reflects on his life ("...the missed opportunities, bad decisions..."). He's at the pillars of creation—heaven, afterlife, whatever you call it—and he acknowledges the fact he'll be watching others live now while longing to be alive again.
Not sure if that was your message, but that was what I thought.
Either way, I enjoyed reading it. It's a great piece of work for your first submission on YWS! (:
- F a i r y
Foruth line you should apitalize the 'I'. One thing I didn't like about the poem is that I don't know exactly what you're shooting for and what you're leaving behind. You got some good imagery and a nice frame but those 2 pieces exclude meaning from this, making it lack in what it could truly be. I like the structer of the poem as well as disliking it. Mostly because you got a few big lines that just stick out from all the others.
Mainly:
And: Those are the only 2 I have somewhat of a problem with...
Other than that your poem was nice. Keep writing.
Thanks for the input universe. I'm glad my first impression on the site was a good one haha. I should be finishing up my latest one in the next few days, hopefully. haha. I hope it has the same impact as this one
God that was beautiful. The first two lines punched me in the face; and the poem got progressively better as it moved along.
Brava. A few nitty-nitpicks.
this should be
Besides those lines, everything else flows really nicely.
The last line, however, felt slightly unfinished. You should either incorporate pillars of creation or shooting to the stars; so it has that full-circle finished feel.
But that was really a pleasure to read. Great job.
Hope to see you around yws.
*****The Universe*****